Dr Weirdlove
by tikitikirevenge
Summary: or, 'How I learnt to stop worrying and love the romance fic'. ZeldaxDK! AdelinexPaula! Dark MatterxMewtwo! KirbyxPeach! AndrossxM. Brain! Read and review, this is HUMOUR, etc. [Oh, and it's discontinued... for fairly obvious reasons. Like quality.]
1. Only I have the brains

**DR WEIRDLOVE**   
**or, "How I learnt to stop worrying and love the bad romance fic"**   
by _tikitikirevenge_. 

Disclaimer: Nintendo owns all of the characters in this story, except where otherwise stated. I own me. You can't stop that, can you? Mwa ha ha ha – oh, you can. Curses. 

The chapters herein each depict a romance story. They are as plausible and well written as all the other stories of this genre about SSB characters (that is, don't read this without having a large bucket nearby). 

Each chapter is completely unrelated to the previous, 'cept where I say so. Oh, and if you have any suggestions for future doomed romances, drop by www,hoogi,brickfilms,com/forum (full stops instead of commas), where you will find, hidden among the implied obscure bean pockets, stuff.

* * *

**STORY 1   
"Only I have the brains…"**

* * *

"The last monkey is in captivity. The galaxy is at peace…"

* * *

Andross, the giant primate-based brain, was sitting at his office (a giant room with glowing walls). He was sitting at his office because, being only a brain, and a giant one at that, he was incapable of going out to shop. 

"Well, after those cruddy UN inspectors (1) shut down my evil army, I don't have much to do now, do I?" he said, angrily. Not completely sure how he could talk, only being a brain, he paused to ponder on that strange fact for a while. Then he resumed his work.

* * *

On the other side of civilisation, Mother Brain, the bio-mechanical… uh… brain, was sitting in her tank (2). 

"_No significant progress is being made in any area which concerns myself or my interests,_" she thought, confusing anyone who might still be reading. "_I am experiencing a kind of frustration at the lack of change in situation. Perhaps this is boredom. Perhaps I'm just the author's subconscious pointing out that, like most romance stories, absolutely nothing has happened at all since the chapter title. But it's probably just boredom._"

* * *

For a while, she wallowed there. Eventually, one of her space pirate cohorts came in. 

"Greetings, Mother Brain," he said. 

"You're not bowing low enough," said Mother Brain through the speaker system set up in her private chamber. 

"But one radian has always been enough, oh revered brain in a jar." 

"Times are desperate. Try pi radians." Gleaning a small amount of satisfaction from watching her minion try to bow that low, she spoke sharply, venting out her frustration. 

"Fool! Surely a loyal troop can bow low enough if he tries!" 

"I am loyal, oh great brain, I just -" 

"Enough of your excuses! And why did you paint yourself gold?" 

"The paint makes me harder to kill." 

Mother Brain was completely bewildered by this. What kind of paint could cause someone to become tougher? "Where do you get this advanced paint from, underling?" 

"A settled planet, I believe. 'Poison', or 'Denim', or something of the kind." 

"Go there! Investigate. What kind of mind can create such an armour-enhancing paint? (3) I must commune with it." 

"As you wish," said the space pirate.

* * *

Fox McCloud (4) and Samus Aran (5) were dining (6) together at a moonlit restaurant in Katina. Suddenly, after about half an hour of foreplay and romantic conversation each realised that they felt affections for each other. 

"I feel affections for you," said Fox bluntly. 

"Likewise," said Samus equally bluntly. (7) 

"Now what?" said Fox. 

"Of course," said Samus, thinking that Fox had proposed. Then they kissed.

* * *

Such a tender display of affection and lust, their bodies mingled, sharing in each other's warmth, until they realised, finally, that they could potentially do this forever as talking about people embracing and having 'fun' was all the writer could do comfortably which would explain why a giant sentence was then devoted to the shared heat, in both meanings of the word, which they experienced, holding on to each other. 

"Ah!" screamed a nearby person, who had been set on fire by the evil Gigyas. But the two newly-inspired heroes paid the unfortunate guy no attention, preferring to show their love for each other, and can you see how boring this is becoming? No wonder some people hate formulaic romance stories like this and are compelled to write obvious parodies thereof – though I still think that such people are really brave, and witty, and handsome, and intelligent, and over-proud, and Samus and Fox kissed – no, they pashed (sounds better) furiously even as the sun prematurely set, this time due to a robot taking over the planet, and then they embraced again.

* * *

"What?" said Andross. "I have a visitor?" 

"Yes," said his mystical monkey minion (I like saying that). "A visitor." 

"Someone cares!" shouted Andross in joy. Realising that he still hadn't found the time to get a replacement face, he thought out loud: "I've got to make myself presentable. Quick! Get me my megalomaniac-sized top hat!" The monkey raced out of the room. 

"Now why did I decide to hire monkeys?" he thought. "I should have tried them Cornerian dogs first. _They_ take orders." 

The mystical monkey minion hurried back in and put Andross' giant top hat on. "There," said Andross. "Now I look nice and charming, if I do say so myself." He chuckled.

* * *

The visitor, a space pirate entered. He looked at Andross, and said, and said, and said, and said, "Are you the creator of the magical gold paint?" 

"Why, yes I am!" said Andross cheerily. He leaned in close. "Are you having problems?" 

"No, I-" 

"I know it flashes white when you bump into things, I'm working on it!" 

"I'm not here to-" 

"Look, let's just keep this between us, okay?" Andross somehow winked, and whispered, "I'll buy you a holiday in Ripple Star, eh? And then you just don't tell anyone about the paint problem. Deal?" 

"I'm not here about the paint!" the space pirate squeezed in edgewise. 

"You're not?" said Andross. "Are you my confounded UN probation officer's replacement?" 

"No, I'm-" 

"Let's make a deal, bub. I have a group of _real_ friendly doves in the back, if you get my meaning. You stay quiet 'bout the secret army, and they're all yours." 

The space pirate tried again. "I-" 

"Oh! Don't like birds? I have monkey women!" Andross' voice became desperate. "_Everybody_ loves monkey women!" 

"I'M NOT YOUR PROBATION OFFICER!" screamed the space pirate. 

"I'm not interested in your vacuum cleaners, then," sulked Andross. 

"Mother Brain sent-" 

"I don't care if your brain sent me an introductory offer – I have _all_ the cleaning equipment I need!" 

"No!" shouted the space pirate. "I'm not selling you anything!" 

"So you're the comic relief?" 

"Of course not!" 

"Then what the Venom are you doing in my evil lair?" 

"I represent the space pirates." 

"Are space pirates evil?" 

"Yes. Our leader-" 

"Does your leader have an evil lair?" 

"_Yes_. She-" 

"Is it as evil as _my_ lair?" 

"I DON'T KNOW ANY MORE!" screamed the space pirate. He collapsed to the ground, crying. "I'm so confused…" 

"There, there," said Andross kindly. "Minions! Send in the back patters!" 

A team of muscular porcine back-patters patted the space pirate's back as he sobbed. 

"There, there," said Andross again. "So why are you here?" 

"Our leader, Mother Brain, wanted to meet the creator of your amazing paint." 

"Mother Brain?" 

"Yes, it – _she_'s called that 'cause she's a brain in a tank." (8) 

"So I'm not the only floating brain in the galaxy?" 

"Indeed," said the space pirate. "Mother Brain would like to meet you. Can you come to our op centre at Zebes?" 

"Of course," said Andross, his heart pounding (had he a heart).

* * *

Back at Mother Brain's lair, Mother Brain waited impatiently.

* * *

"Woah!" said Jimmy the talking rooster.

* * *

Back at Mother Brain's lair, Mother Brain waited impatiently.

* * *

"Is that any way to greet a girl?" said Katt, the talking… uh… cat.

* * *

Back at Mother Brain's lair, Mother Brain welcomed her visitor… uh… Andross. 

"Hello," said Andross. 

"You invented the hi-tech paint?" said Mother Brain. 

"That's me," said Andross proudly. 

"All right. I'll just take the liberty of capturing you and dissecting you." 

"But I love you!" 

"Oh, then that's okay."

* * *

Samus and Fox were still kissing (48 hours straight!) when suddenly an emergency message arrived. 

"Emergency!" said the emergency message. "Andross and Mother Brain are colluding!" 

"What?" said Fox. 

"I said-" 

Samus smashed the message with a fist, making it whimper in pain. "We must stop them now!" 

"Isn't it ironic," said Fox, "how it's us, a new team, against our arch-enemy, another new team?" 

"I do," said Samus, thinking that they were at a wedding. 

"Your ship or mine?" said Fox. 

"For no reason, we take each other's," said Samus. 

"Smart thinking," said Fox.

* * *

That night, in Mother Brain's queen-size tank, Andross and Mother Brain made out. (9) 

"Ah…" sighed Mother Brain. "Everything is perfect right now. I feel high levels of pleasure." 

"I haven't felt this good since I made Pigma give me…" Andross trailed off, moaning slightly. 

"I feel that nothing could go wrong…" concluded Mother Brain. But this romance was not to be, sadly. This was because…

* * *

…Grandmother Brain raced across the galaxy to stop them…

* * *

…and, of course, because their greatest enemies, Samus Aran and Fox McCloud, were already docking at the Brain Hotel in south Tourian. 

"Let's do this!" shouted Fox. 

"Good thing we made it on time," said Samus. 

"We'd have been quicker if we'd taken our own ships." 

"Oh, really?" said Samus. "It's not my fault that your onboard robot insisted on cramming those caramel pieces into my mouth!" 

"How can you stand driving an _orange_ ship?" 

Samus and Fox then embraced again, kissing passionately, as their common enemy (each other) had driven them together again.

* * *

Similarly, Mother Brain and Andross were also loving (in lieu of a better word). At that point, one of Andross' mystical monkey minions (I love saying that) came in. 

"There's a problem!" he shouted. 

"Let me guess," yawned Andross, irritated. "We're out of Chihuahuas again." 

"Worse," said the minion. "There's a fox on board." 

"As in that woman after employment? Tell her that her breath is ba-" 

"No," said the minion. "As in Fox McCloud." 

"Isn't he a cowboy or something?" 

"NO!" screamed the minion. "STAR FOX! The guy who blew you up last year!" He collapsed to the ground, sobbing. "So confused… I think I'm going mad…" 

"Star Fox?" exclaimed Andross and Mother Brain together. 

"And some orange robot guy," added the minion. 

"Orange robot guy?" exclaimed Andross and Mother Brain together.

* * *

Fox and Samus burst into the room where Andross and Mother Brain were. 

"Aha!" exclaimed Fox. 

"Aha!" exclaimed Samus. 

"Oh, dear," said Andross. 

"Oh, dear," said Mother Brain. 

And so began the ultimate battle! 

Samus shot Mother Brain in the head with a slingshot, killing the monolith. 

"How anticlimactic," said Fox. 

"Noo! Mother Brain! My only true love! Okay, one of my only true loves!" Andross fell to the ground and wept. 

"So they were just in love," said Samus in realisation. "They weren't going to use this coincidental Super Ray Beam to destroy civilisation…" 

"And we would have done it if it wasn't for you meddling kids and your dog!" wept Andross. 

"What?" 

"NO! NOT THE DOG!" screamed Fox, and they all knelt and screamed in frustration at the irony of life.

* * *

**Epilogue**

* * *

Samus died of a cold in Fox's arms. Fox and Andross made amends and became great friends, eventually marrying once they realised how powerful a force happy ending conventions were.

* * *

Grandmother Brain was killed by a small spool of wool as she zoomed across the galaxy, but not before achieving her ultimate revenge – she destroyed all the cotton in the world!

* * *

Please read and review, and again – I'm open to suggestions!

* * *

**FOOTNOTES**

1) United Nitwits

2) Yes, Mother Brain is female now. Look at her _name_, for goodness' sake! What kind of evil toaster is male, anyway? So say we all… so say we all. (I doubt you'd catch the reference.)

3) Obviously, the same intellect who makes villains always get a last quip in before dying, and who makes dying creatures turn red for no reason.

4) Poor thing… who calls an anthropomorphic fox 'Fox'?

5) Poor thing… who would call their girl 'Samus'? No wonder I decided on the following romance.

6) As in eating.

7) I just saved you ten minutes of slow, detailed description of their lovely dialogue. You'd better review out of gratefulness.

8) "Praise be the brain in a tank," he muttered under his breath, bowing and clasping his hands, before ritually ripping out his arms.

9) I don't want to disturb you; I'll leave that to your imagination.

* * *

The character Andross originates from the _Star Fox_ games. In Star Fox 64, he appears to be a giant head, but turns out to be a giant brain! 

The character Mother Brain originates from the _Metroid_ games. Mother Brain commands the Space Pirates, a band of insectlike aliens dedicated to taking over the galaxy and somersaulting over each other.

* * *

Please review. I have no life. Please? 


	2. Pride and Juice

**DR WEIRDLOVE**   
**or, "How I learnt to stop worrying and love the bad romance fic"**   
by _tikitikirevenge_. 

Disclaimer: Nintendo owns all of the characters in this story, except where otherwise stated. I own me. You can't stop that, can you? Mwa ha ha ha – oh, you can. Curses. 

The chapters herein each depict a romance story. They are as plausible and well written as all the other stories of this genre about SSB characters (that is, don't read this without having a large bucket nearby). 

Each chapter is completely unrelated to the previous, 'cept where I say so. Oh, and if you have any suggestions for future doomed romances, drop by www,hoogi,brickfilms,com/forum (full stops instead of commas), where you will find, hidden among the implied obscure bean pockets, stuff.

* * *

**STORY 2   
"Pride and Juice"**

* * *

Kirby sat glumly, watching a few of his new friends duke it out in a smashing fight (hee hee hee… smashing… heh heh…) 

"Why?" he asked himself, as though self-pondering would help him at all. And no, it didn't. 

Roy and Yoshi, who were sitting on either side of him, seemed not to have heard. He wasn't sure if that was good or not, anymore. 

Sipping slowly from a glass of lemonade twice his size, Kirby gave a slow sigh.

* * *

Zelda and Peach continued to brawl as they held tightly to the balcony of Peach's pretty castle. 

"DIE!" screamed Zelda, somehow managing to swing through the air and kick Peach in the chest. 

Peach gasped. "Ow! You hit me in the body!" Her annoyingly high-pitched voice rose in fury. "Now you will feel the wrath of Peach!" 

Peach made a vague clawing motion in the air, fainted, and fell down into a row bush some two storeys below. 

"Yes!" shouted Zelda. "Take that! That'll teach you to wear pink! It's _my_ colour, you hear me?" 

Peach didn't hear her, being a teensy bit comatose.

* * *

"Peach…" murmured Kirby. "Soo… sweet…" 

"Hey!" said Roy. "Did you say that Peach is sweet?" 

"Uh, well-" 

Roy's eyes narrowed. "Are you planning to eat Peach?" 

"What?" Kirby jumped up, putting his hands to his face. "No! Of course… not! Why would… I want… to eat her? When I said… that she was sweet and tender… I didn't mean… heh… would _never_ eat a friend… unless it was Yoshi…"

* * *

Yoshi noticeably moved away. 

"Oh, so now she's sweet and _tender_, eh?" said Roy. "I bet you were planning on cooking her!" 

"NO!" shouted Kirby. 

"Are you secretly in love with her, then?" 

"Uh, yes," said Kirby. 

"Oh, okay," said Roy, getting up and walking over to the crash site where Mario was treating Peach. Yoshi had already fled, screaming "Ararararar…" for reasons obviously unrelated to any comments Kirby had made about friends and food. 

It was then that Kirby realised that he really _was_ secretly in love with Peach. "Well, I'm in a bit of a pickle," he said. All the talk about food made him hungry, and he decided to eat Link.

* * *

"Uh…" said Peach. "I thought I was dead, but now I'm not so sure anymore, Mister Doctor Mario." 

"Yes-a," said Mario carefully. "I completely understood-a that-a." 

Peach giggled. Then she leaned in close, and whispered, "I have a secret to tell you." 

"What is-a it?" said Mario. 

"AUGH!" screamed Link, running past. "IT WANTS MY FLESH!" 

"I'm in love," said Peach. 

_Oh-a my!_, thought Mario. _So she really does-a love me?_

"With-a whom, may I ask-a?" 

"Well… he's not super-big…" 

"Go on," said Mario excitedly. 

"He's real cute…" 

_I'm cute_, though Mario. 

"He's pink…" 

_Uh… my skin is-a pink-ish_, thought Mario. 

"And he's certainly not Italian or a handyman!" finished Peach cheerily. 

Mario looked to the ground, his hopes shattered. "I see-a." 

"Do you know who it is?" said Peach. 

Mario didn't respond. There was only one male in the tournament who was blatantly pink.

* * *

Kirby made a fierce lunge for Link, but somehow the elf managed to dive out of the way at the last moment. Kirby crashed into a wall, bumping his head. Luckily, he was soft and bouncy, and kind of used to landing into things head-first. 

While Kirby was incapacitated, Link pulled out a bomb and set himself on fire, being tired with life. 

"No!" shouted Kirby. "Don't do it!" 

Link died. 

"Well, that did _heaps_ in the plot development department," said Kirby sarcastically.

* * *

Peach ran through the wall like sarcasm flying over Captain Falcon's head. She collided with Kirby, and stopped, shocked. 

Kirby didn't take it too well. "AGH! PEACH! EMOTIONS! I'M TOO PINK FOR YOU! WAIT! YOU'RE PINK! NOOO!" 

"I'm in love with someone small and pink," said Peach cheerily. 

Kirby ran around in circles and started frothing at the mouth. Screaming loudly, he accidentally inhaled a brick to become Building Kirby and fell through the floor. 

"Interesting," said Peach. It was then that her true love entered. 

"_Hello, Peach, my sweet…_" said the small, floating pink anthropomorphic and hallucinated tulip. 

"I love beans too," said Peach romantically.

* * *

Ooh… so unsatisfying… and I left it open for a sequel… or continuation… not implying anything… please review and ignore the rest of this paragraph… 


	3. The Relatively Perfect Pairing

**DR WEIRDLOVE**   
**or, "How I learnt to stop worrying and love the bad romance fic"**   
by _tikitikirevenge_. 

Disclaimer: Nintendo owns all of the characters in this story, except where otherwise stated. I own me. You can't stop that, can you? Mwa ha ha ha – oh, you can. Curses. 

The chapters herein each depict a romance story. They are as plausible and well written as all the other stories of this genre about SSB characters (that is, don't read this without having a large bucket nearby). 

Each chapter is completely unrelated to the previous, 'cept where I say so. Oh, and if you have any suggestions for future doomed romances, drop by www,hoogi,brickfilms,com/forum (full stops instead of commas), where you will find, hidden among the implied obscure bean pockets, stuff.

* * *

**STORY 3 **

"The Relatively Perfect Pair"

* * *

Just a brief note: the ending is something which I _have_ done before, but I think I'd like to reinforce how much I dislike certain pairings and would much prefer others be written more frequently. Anyway...

* * *

"I like cheese," observed Ness. 

"_That,_" said Mewtwo psychically, "_bears no relevance whatsoever to anything, including this conversation, our current situation, and this story._" 

"Yes," said Ness, "do carry on."

* * *

"Wow," said Marth, more to himself than anyone else, though, of course, his friends Link and Roy were standing beside him. "What's so amazing?" said Link, who had managed to hear Marth's whisper, which had barely been above a million decibels in volume. 

"Her," said Marth, motioning across the common room. 

"_Ooh,_" said Link, understanding. "I see." 

"The princess looks as beautiful as ever today," mused Marth. Roy and Link nodded quietly in agreement. 

"Hi!" said Peach brightly. "Are you all planning on eating cupcakes with me?" 

The three swordsmen exchanged wistful smiles. 

"It'll be fun!" said Peach. "We'll have _scones_ with _jam_ and maybe some _sugar-coated_ poison toadstools and we can all be such good friends!" 

"Yeah..." said Roy. "Of course... Peach, why don't you go ask Zelda to come over here? To, er, discuss cupcakes?" 

"Oh, okay!" said Peach. She smiled secretly - she knew what they _really_ meant by 'cupcakes' - they were planning on discussing _apple pie_! 

Glad that she knew what they were up to, Peach went to fetch Zelda.

* * *

"I still like cheese," said Ness. 

"_Please shut up,_" raged Mewtwo. 

"You shut up." 

"_You shut up._"

* * *

"So anyway," said Roy, leaning heavily over his glass, "I think I'll go and propose to that chick someday." 

"Roy," said Link, leaning on a table for support (he wasn't much of a drinker and two drops of cola had already made him lose balance), "she isn't your type; she's not even your _species_-" 

Zelda shook her head angrily. "Of course he can date a mon- a parrot if he wants to!" She then laughed randomly, presumably because she and everyone else in the household was drunk. Marth put his arm on her shoulder and laughed too, presumably because Zelda and everyone else in the household was drunk.

* * *

"I'm not drunk," said Ness. 

"_I suppose this is because you like cheese_?" said Mewtwo, annoyed. 

"You're a meanie cat!" said Ness. 

"_Well, maybe I am,_" said Mewtwo.

* * *

"So," said Marth, looking Zelda in the eyes. 

"So," said Zelda, conversely looking Marth in the eyes. 

"So can I go now?" said Link, who was now seeing stars - and it wasn't even morning yet! Wait... that can _not_ be right... 

Link and Roy left. 

"So," said Zelda, blushing. 

"To heck with this," said Marth, "let's kiss." 

"Nah," said Zelda, "I'd rather kiss this piece of wood." She held up a piece of wood to demonstrate. 

"Oh, fair enough," said Marth. 

Zelda went about kissing the piece of wood. 

"I'm not a piece of wood!" said the piece of wood. "I'm Donkey Kong!" 

"Well, so you are," said Zelda. "I guess we must be in love, then." 

"We are?" said DK. "Uh, okay..."

**TEH EDN**

* * *

Once again, I am completely open to suggestions; just send in an e-mail. I think I'll revisit chapter 1 now, except with an all-too-obvious twist...


	4. Painful to think about

**DR WEIRDLOVE**   
**or, "How I learnt to stop worrying and love the bad romance fic"**   
by _tikitikirevenge_. 

Disclaimer: Nintendo owns all of the characters in this story, except where otherwise stated. I own me. You can't stop that, can you? Mwa ha ha ha – oh, you can. Curses. 

The chapters herein each depict a romance story. They are as plausible and well written as all the other stories of this genre about SSB characters (that is, don't read this without having a large bucket nearby). 

Each chapter is completely unrelated to the previous, 'cept where I say so. Oh, and if you have any suggestions for future doomed romances, drop by www,hoogi,brickfilms,com/forum (full stops instead of commas), where you will find, hidden among the implied obscure bean pockets, stuff.

* * *

**STORY 4   
"Painful to think about"**

* * *

"_Well, well, well,_" said Mewtwo. "_What a… surprise to see you here._" 

Pikachu whimpered in fear. 

"_So you're the one who's been spying on me,_" said Mewtwo. "_Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you._" 

"Pika!" yelped Pikachu. 

"_What?_" said Mewtwo. 

Pikachu said something which roughly translated to "please don't kill me". 

"_You deserve it,_" said Mewtwo, and used its psychic powers to fry Pikachu's brain like a drop of water in an exploding reactor silo. 

Mewtwo inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. Now nobody would ever know of its evil plans to build a rocket ship to go to the moon and be an astronaut and see all the beautiful stars in the sky up close (1).

* * *

"La dum di la…" sang Dark Matter absent-mindedly as it possessed lots of people and made them perform the cancan for hours on end. "Can, can, can we do the… hullo, what's all this, then?" 

Dark Matter had stumbled upon Kirby having a light snack (aka. King Dedede's castle). 

"Wha-?" said Kirby. "Oh, it's Dark Matter! Do you want some candy?" He held up a large marshmallow in invitation (2). 

"Oh, yes, please," said Dark Matter eagerly. 

"Then I must kill you," said Kirby, "because I will _never_ let you have my food! MY FOOD!" 

"What about the whole good vs. evil thing?" said Dark Matter. 

Kirby considered it. "Yeah, I suppose that too." He grabbed a Star Rod which he had been using to crack open coconuts, and started shooting stars at Dark Matter. 

Needless to say, Dark Matter was very angry about this, so it shot a red, glowing disk of energy at Kirby, which missed and landed in front of Kirby. 

"Ooh," said Kirby, stopping his relentless assault to stare at it, "shiny." 

While Kirby pondered the philosophical implications of this, Dark Matter stole away.

* * *

When it walks among them, they give it a wide berth. Mewtwo appreciates this as it saves Mewtwo the trouble of blasting them out of the way. 

On this particular planet, all kinds of life forms mingle. Floating eyeballs, anthropomorphic (3) turtles, humans, and both kinds of Starman roam the streets. Mewtwo's path is clear… its presence intimidates. 

"Hey!" shouted a slightly hyperactive Chikorita, "give me _glucose_!" 

Mewtwo looked at the Chikorita bemusedly for a second, and then threw it clear across the district without moving a finger. (4)

* * *

"It becomes dreadfully dull," said Dark Matter, "when I play the 'ultimate force of evil' role day in, day out." 

The Waddle Dee who he had cornered nodded frantically. 

"So I think I need to find some way to show that I am loving, compassionate…" 

"_Hey, you!_" shouted Mewtwo, knocking down a few walls. "_Are you torturing that innocent Waddle Dee without my approval?_" 

"Maybe?" said Dark Matter, who was slightly confused. (5) 

"_Well,_" said Mewtwo, "_maybe you should get my approval first!_" 

"Insert charming and witty line here," said Dark Matter. 

Unnaturally, they fell in love.

* * *

While no religious or bureaucratic institution would willingly marry two genderless villains, Mewtwo managed to mind-control a couple of random people into making it legal. (6) 

Finally able to rest, they stopped at a beautiful place on Pop Star, where they discussed whether it was possible to splice their DNA in a non-artificial way. 

"_We're going to need little Dark Matter-Mewtwo creatures to continue our evil work when this is all over,_" said Mewtwo. 

"Right then," said Dark Matter. 

"Shiny…" said Kirby, who hadn't moved from that spot for several years, so entranced he was by the shiny, glowing disk. (7)

* * *

Please review. All compliments, comments and/or complaints will be ignored.

* * *

**FOOTNOTES**

1) Well, the stars are rather beautiful this time of year. 

2) It is, generally speaking, a bad idea to accept an offer of food from Kirby, because he is very sensitive about the subject of food. 

3) Big words are fun!... 

4) …as is telekinesis. 

5) Possibly a side affect of the absurdity of this entire work of fiction. Fiction, I stress. 

6) Wondering why they decided to marry when they generally have no respect for the law, and marriage is at most a means of affecting how the law treats one? Well, this is what is known as a "plot hole". These are frequent in romance stories. Actually, these are frequent in all genres, but the previous sentence looked as if it was proving my point. 

7) Well, it _was_ rather shiny…

* * *

The character Dark Matter originates from the _Kirby_ games. It is a large body of dark (surprising, eh?)… well, matter. It has the unfortunate habit of possessing people for purposes such as global domination. Not much else to say. He has a definite appearance in _Kirby's Dreamland 3_ and _Kirby 64_, and some say that he is behind strange occurrences in other Kirby games. 


	5. Girls will be Protagonists

**DR WEIRDLOVE**  
**or, "How I learnt to stop worrying and love the bad romance fic"**  
by _tikitikirevenge_. 

Disclaimer: Nintendo owns all of the characters in this story, except where otherwise stated. I own me. You can't stop that, can you? Mwa ha ha ha – oh, you can. Curses.

The chapters herein each depict a romance story. They are as plausible and well written as all the other stories of this genre about SSB characters (that is, don't read this without having a large bucket nearby).

Each chapter is completely unrelated to the previous, 'cept where I say so. Oh, and if you have any suggestions for future doomed romances, drop by www,hoogi,brickfilms,com/forum (full stops instead of commas), where you will find, hidden among the implied obscure bean pockets, stuff.

* * *

**STORY 5   
"Girls will be Protagonists"**

* * *

The heroes and villains and everything in between who were known as the Smash Brothers and were often described in long sentences which rambled and often failed to use any grammatical tools like punctuation at all and very rarely were described in this manner while still being grammatically correct by a super powerful super intelligent author who was also handsome and modest were very bored after having been to subjected to a sentence like this which was about ten times longer. 

"Whoa, that was boring," commented one of the kids, Popo, as he and his girlfriend and/or sister and/or mother, Nana, led him out of the auditorium by a leash.

"Yes, it was," said Ness. He was certainly the smartest of all the kids (and quite possibly of the adults). "Even with my mind-reading powers and well-founded understanding of the correct usage of the English language, I still can't understand what Master Hand was droning on about."

"Is _that_ why you started pinching me?" demanded Young Link.

"I _told_ you," said Ness, "it wasn't me, it must have been another telekinetic person, like… like… Mewtwo. Yeah… Mewtwo."

"The Pokemon who Master Hand sent back home yesterday?" said Young Link. "I guess that _must_ be the culprit."

Ness smiled secretly; in fact, Mewtwo would have no reason to pinch Young Link. It _had_ been Ness – he'd won! He'd won!

All of the kids slumped to the ground simultaneously.

"I'm bored," said Popo.

"Agreed," said Ness, Nana, Young Link, and Kirby.

Nana and Ness turned around. "Kirby! You're not a kid!"

"Am too," protested Kirby, raising a hand weakly, and then slumped to the ground with them, quite bored.

"Well, what should we do?" said Young Link.

Kirby said, "We could try playing on your GameCone™ (1)-"

"NO!" shouted Young Link. "It's **mine**! All **mine**!"

"So why do you only have multiplayer games on it?" said Popo.

Young Link sulked.

"We could try eating stuff," suggested Kirby.

"I don't like that idea either," said Young Link.

"I know!" said Kirby, trying hard not to save face (3), "we could invite some friends over!"

"Hey," said Ness, "that's a good idea! I'll invite my Oriental friend Poo over!"

"We can get that condor who made our lives a living torment to come along," piped up Nana. Popo made a 'not surprised' face.

"I could get Zelda to come over!" said Young Link.

"But Zelda is already here," said Kirby.

"Oh," said Young Link, his face falling. Not wanting to be the only one to end up unhappy, he added, "Nana, that condor idea sucks."

"Hey!" exclaimed Nana angrily (4), "that's mean!" Realising that she might as well bring Ness down with her, she added, "Don't invite evil Oriental people! They're… _evil_! (5)"

"But then who do I invite?" mused Ness, determined not to feel bad. "I know, I'll invite Paula!"

"Ooh, a _girl_," said Nana. "That would be a welcome change-"

"For the record, she's psychic," added Ness hastily.

"_Psychic?_" spluttered Nana. "That's… so crude! Because psychics are cheaters!" She started to froth at the mouth, and started pointing at Ness, waving her arms furiously. "CHEATER! CHEATER!"

"Uh," said Kirby, "would now be a bad time to suggest inviting Gooey or Mirror World Kirby?"

Nana, Ness, Popo, and Young Link all glared at him.

"Heh," said Kirby quickly. "Heh. I was joking… I'll just invite…"

* * *

And it was under circumstances like these that Ness' friend, Paula, and Ado/Adeline, some random acquaintance who Kirby had thought of in a moment of indecision, found themselves invited to (and at) the luxury grounds of Master Hand's private abode, the 'Smash Mansion'. 

Which, of course, he was sharing with the Smash Brothers. Otherwise, that would just be rude trespassing, and he would probably do that **laser-tipped fingers** trick.

* * *

Of the two girls who had been invited, Adeline arrived first. She entered the halls of the Smash Mansion and stopped. 

"This place is kind of nice," she said, taking in the million dollar golden window curtains which, for some inexplicable reason, were being used as a rug.

"Hi!" cried Kirby, dashing from a side hallway to meet her. "Adeline! It's been a while! Nice to see you! Uh, gotta go!"

He dashed off. Several angry-looking people Adeline didn't recognise appeared, giving chase and shouting things like "the last tub of ice cream" and "oh goddess he ate my _fingernails_".

Adeline shrugged. Kirby was a little bit silly like that. People didn't get along well with him when he did stuff like that.

Humming quietly, she pulled an easel out from behind her back and started to paint a frock for herself that wasn't such an awful shade of turpentine green.

* * *

Perhaps it was around that time that Ness' friend Paula arrived. 

"This place seems okay," she said, taking in the amazing architecture, the satin ribbons hanging loosely from the front door (why? I DON'T KNOW!) and the marble statues of Master and Crazy hand placed symmetrically in the garden.

And the diamond studded clock-tower. We can't forget the diamond-studded clock tower. (8)

"Anybody home?" called Paula. After a pause of about three milliseconds, she decided to use her psychic powers to find everyone.

_"Hello?"_ she called out.

_"Hey, Paula,"_ bethought Ness from somewhere afar. _"Glad to see you could make it!" _

_"Where are you?"_ asked Paula. _"And where do I go now?" _

_"Master Hand, our host, has a room for you on the second floor of the mansion. You take the staircases and- **OH GIGYAS, HE JUST ATE MY FREAKING TRADEMARK BASEBALL CAP!** Uh… gtgbrbluvNessxxx!"_

Paula shrugged and, because things could easily get boring, went into the Smash Mansion.

* * *

"Uh, oh," said Kirby, noticing for the first time that roughly thirty people were angrily chasing him. "Did I do something?" 

The angry mob chased him faster, so Kirby decided that maybe he shouldn't stick around to ask questions.

"AAAAAAH!" he screamed, waddling through the house as fast as his legs would take him. "Someone help! Someone help!"

"He ate my FINGERNAILS!" shouted Link from behind him.

"And my GameCone™!" shouted Young Link.

"And my slave- serf- domestic help- _boyfriend_!" screamed Nana.

Ness had joined the frantic race to catch Kirby relatively late, so he was near the back of the mob. "My cap! He stole my cap!"

"Uh, you're lying!" said Kirby, waddling through the dining room, and eating Yoshi on his way through, "I didn't take anything but nice, edible food!"

"Would that _food_ include _Popo?_" demanded Nana from three centimetres behind him.

Kirby's eyes widened and he quickened his pace dramatically…

* * *

…so dramatically, in fact, that he crashed straight through a wall and right into the main hall of the Smash Mansion, knocking Paula over. 

"Oops," he said. "I-"

Whatever Kirby had been about to say will sadly never be known, as at this moment, a gigantic mob burst through the hole in the wall, crushing him and Paula.

"AUGH!" shrieked Paula, who had been crushed by events described in the preceding sentence.

"Interesting," noted Adeline, who had observed all this from the comfortable distance of, oh, about a _hair's breadth_. She stopped painting herself a clean frock and started to paint a lovely medical kit, or perhaps a 1UP. (9)

* * *

Later, once the majority of the people in the Smash Mansion weren't dead, everyone was enjoying the lovely meal that is known as dinner, tea-time, supper, and in some remote regions, Wednesday. 

"Ah, dinner," contemplated Master Hand, who was at the end of the long table that spanned the dining hall. "The best time to tell bad news."

"Bad-a news?" wondered Mario. "Is there-a bad news?"

"Nooo…" said Master Hand, "it's just a, uh, an idiom. It's a very common idiom at that."

"I don't know…" said Samus, also suspicious.

"Well, it's the TRUTH!" shouted Master Hand hysterically. "There _is_ no bad news! You're all _paranoid_! There's no _substance_ to these claims! Leave me _alone_! By the way, Luigi was run over by a _truck_!" He sped out of the room, singing random excerpts from jazz staples as he did so. (10)

"Well," said Mario, "things could be a lot worse."

The people at the far end of this table paid no notice to this exchange. Perhaps they hadn't noticed – after all, it was a long, long table – but whatever the case, they weren't concerned at all.

Adeline and Kirby were catching up with each other.

"So, what have you been doing?" said Kirby.

"Painting, making friends, living happily, stuff like that," said Adeline.

Silence.

"What have _you_ been doing, Kirby?" asked Adeline.

"Uh, eating people," said Kirby.

"Oh," said Adeline.

"So," said Kirby.

"So," said Adeline.

"So," said Kirby.

"Well…" said Adeline.

"So," said Kirby.

"I think that-"

"So," said Kirby.

"-that this place is nice, don't-"

"So," said Kirby.

Adeline became rather annoyed and decided to talk to someone else.

Across the table, Popo and Ness were discussing gaming consoles while Ness simultaneously telepathically conversed with both Mewtwo and Paula, the latter of whom was talking with Nana, who was whipping Popo with a whip.

"So, how do you know Ness?" said Nana.

"Well," said Paula, "I was living peacefully in my home town of Twoson when I sensed that Ness was coming to meet me. Then I got kidnapped, and then Ness came and I gave him a badge engraved with ancient Sad-Sad runes. Then he came back after a few days and rescued me."

"Why didn't he save you when he first saw you?" wondered Nana.

"I dunno," shrugged Paula.

Nana shifted in her chair, being somewhat uncomfortable, and decided to shift the conversation to matters with which she was familiar. "So, do you like beating up guys?"

* * *

That evening was one of dusk and sunset. And, in case you were after something more poetic, pain and… joy. (Antonyms seem a bit more natural, don't you think?)

* * *

The next day, Adeline was showing off her painting skills to Ness. 

"Wow," said Ness, watching as she painted him a new baseball cap which materialised straight out of the canvas, "that's amazing."

"Yeah, I guess," admitted Adeline somewhat shyly.

"So, what else do you do with your time?" inquired Ness.

"Not much," said Adeline.

"Hey, Ness," said Paula, walking in. "Hi… I'm sorry; I don't know your name…?"

"Adeline," said Adeline.

"I'm Paula," said Paula.

"Nice to meet you, Paula."

"Nice to meet you, Adeline."

Ness became bored and threw himself out of a nearby window, leaving Paula and Adeline to their own devices.

"Hi," said Adeline brightly.

"Hi," said Paula reservedly.

"We're both girls," noted Adeline.

Paula nodded, having noticed.

"So…" said Adeline.

Captain Falcon ran through the room, naked and hysterical, chased by a pack of rabid Yoshis.

"What do we do now?" said Paula.

"May I show you my magical painting skills?" offered Adeline.

"I'd be delighted," replied Paula graciously.

"JOLLY GOOD," said Crazy Hand, who then overdosed on tomato sauce and collapsed.

* * *

Kirby found Ness unconscious on the lawn. 

"What happened to you?" he asked.

"Ugh…" moaned Ness. "Threw…"

"Threw what?" asked Kirby somewhat impatiently.

Ness used his psychic powers to convey to Kirby that he had suddenly and illogically decided to throw himself from a window.

"Oh," said Kirby. He pulled out a tomato from behind his back. "Here, have a Maxim Tomato. It'll make you feel heaps better."

"Gee, thanks," said Ness. He bit into the tomato, and instantly, all his bruises and fatal injuries were healed. (11)

"Anything to help a friend," replied Kirby kindly.

"Thanks, Kirby, you're the best," smiled Ness. "Let's check up on our friends."

Ness and Kirby headed back into the Smash Mansion and towards Paula and Adeline.

"Don't be too afraid of the dark," added Marth, who was hiding behind a door.

They reached the room where Ness had left Adeline and Paula too their own devices – and found a horrifying sight!

"Oh Gigyas," whispered Ness, mortified.

Kirby was equally shocked. "Oh. My. Fodder."

Adeline was leaning over Paula in an **awkward position**, teaching Paula how to **paint**!

* * *

Meanwhile, on Lylat, a dog ate a dog.

* * *

"What?" Ness shouted, recovering. "Paula! How could you learn to paint?" 

"I… I…" Indeed, Paula seemed as shocked as the boys.

"Did I do something wrong?" asked Adeline.

"YES!" shouted Ness. "Paula's mother asked me to _keep her away from paint!_"

"Uh… and with all that paint used up," added Kirby helpfully, "I have nothing to snack on".

"Sorry," said Adeline. "I didn't know."

"Sorry," said Paula, "it was just so tempting."

"Can we at least draw with graphite?" ventured Adeline. "I have pencil sharpeners to make shaving with."

"Sure," said Ness. (12)

* * *

Later, that evening, after everyone had had fun drawing, Paula said, "I love drawing." 

(Little did she know – drawing loved her right back.)

"I love food," said Kirby, satiated.

"How wonderful," said Ness. "I love Adeline."

"I love- WHAT?" said Adeline.

"Uh…"

Over the course of the next thirty seconds, a series of misunderstandings worthy of the Bard Himself led to everyone setting themselves on fire.

Kirby inhaled their bodies, then, slowly, sadly, walked away. (13)

* * *

So as you can see, boys and girls, romance never works out. So if you ever fall in love, poison yourself with marshmallow overdose to save the trouble.

* * *

**END OF STORY **

Questions? Suggestions? Flames? Sure, you could review, but what about **hoogi,brickfilms,com/forum**?

* * *

**FOOTNOTES**

* * *

1) In a different story, I described the GameSpheroid™, a high-powered gaming console. The GameCone™ would be its predecessor. You know, kind of like how the GameRegularHexahedron™ is better than the EnSixtyFour™ (2)?

* * *

2) Yes, I'm trying to avoid using copyrighted names here. Why, you ask, am I doing this when I'm already using en-eye-en-tee-ee-en-dee-oh™ characters? Well, uh… **READ ALL MY STORIES OR I'LL BURN DOWN YOUR PARENTS!** I meant, house. Not your parents. Your house.

* * *

3) You would have been embarrassed too if two of the most loudly-voiced ideas you'd ever had were shot down within seconds. Not that I'd know. Certainly, this doesn't happen to me _every minute of my life_. I don't know why I even brought this up. Honestly.

* * *

4) …and hitting Young Link while no-one else was looking…

* * *

5) No offence intended to Oriental people, half-Oriental people, or people who like Oriental people (or, for that matter, to Nintendo, who I've probably embarrassed by paying homage to its games). Unless said people would include a certain extremely ugly individual who may or may not be the author "hoogiman" (6) and doesn't deserve to be my brother.

* * *

6) …who is also Irish and Austrian and Martian and Johovian and, well, Miyamoto knows what else. (7)

* * *

7) No blasphemy intended. Not, of course, that I would be deifying someone on the basis of having done a tiny bit of work for Nintendo.

* * *

8) What? Master Hand rich? What makes you think I'm trying to imply that?

* * *

9) I feel that the 1UP is important enough to the rich history of the universe that a special mention should be made of it here. In fact, one of my next stories shall be dedicated to it. 

The 1UP has single-handedly – or is that single-_1UP_-edly (get it? observes blank stares around him Oh, never mind) – changed the lives of those people who have died and been able to invoke its powerful properties to avoid having to pay extra money for a 'continue' or getting a game over screen or something else and also on a side note punctuation is evil.

* * *

10) Bad news? What bad news? Nobody likes-a Luigi, anyways.

* * *

11) …granted, they weren't exactly fatal, then.

* * *

12) "Thanks!" said Paula. 

"Don't you need to use pencils to draw, though?" asked Ness.

"We can make do with sharpeners," said Adeline. "Perfectly possible."

"But I've got a pencil right here, if you need it!"

"Well, we don't," snapped Paula.

Kirby ate _all _the sharpeners, but then gave them many marker pens.

Everyone rejoiced.

* * *

13) WTF did I just write?

* * *

The character Adeline (a.k.a. 'Ado') originates from the _Kirby_ games. In _Kirby's Dreamland 3_, she gets possessed by the evil Dark Matter and uses her magical paintbrush to paint nasty creatures which attack Kirby. In _Kirby 64_, she gets possessed by the evil Dark Matter and uses her magical paintbrush to paint nasty creatures which attack Kirby. Anything she paints comes to life (presumably the reason she has steered clear of abstract styles).

* * *

The character Paula originates from the _Earthbound_ games. She is a far better fighter than Ness, enjoys hitting people with frying pans, and, of course, has psychic powers. She and Ness are probably around ten years old. 


	6. A Question of Identity

**DR WEIRDLOVE**  
**or, "How I learnt to stop worrying and love the bad romance fic"**  
by _tikitikirevenge_.

* * *

This particular chapter was inspired both by the E3 trailer for SSBB, and the fact that there's a new character, Zero Suit Samus.

At first, I wasn't sure whether Samus and Zero Suit Samus were different people. Sure, it was made blindingly obvious in _Metroid: Zero Mission_, but then I realised – they must be different! Otherwise, Mario and Dr Mario would be the same person, and that would make lots of stories out there **completely wrong** and **travesties**!

Anyways, that's how this chapter was inspired. Just thought you'd all like to know.

* * *

**STORY 6  
"A Question of Identity"**

* * *

It was that time when Master Hand showed new tournament entrants around the Smash Mansion.

He was doing that.

"Welcome to… the Smash Mansion!" said Master Hand.

"Wow!" said Pit. "I thought I would never make it!"

"Yes!" said Master Hand. "That it because you only have a tiny, _tiny_ following that can best be described as a cult following! Only people from _popular_ game franchises, like Ness and Mr Game & Watch, get to be part of SSB!"

"Wow," said Zero Suit Samus. "This is such an exciting place!"

"Yes!" said Master Hand. "It is such an exciting place for everyone! You will all have such a good time here!"

"Yes!" said Zero Suit Samus. "I am glad to be here for the third Super Smash Brothers Tournament! It is so exciting!"

"Yes!" said Master Hand. "Exciting!"

"Wow!" said Zero Suit Samus. "Exciting!"

"Yes!" said Master Hand. "Exciting! Exclamation mark!"

"Yes!" said Zero Suit Samus. "Exciting! Exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark!"

"Yes!" said Master Hand. "One, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one!"

"Yes!" said Zero Suit Samus. "Eleventy-one!"

They went inside.

* * *

A few people were inside the Smash Mansion to great the new Smash Brothers.

"Hey-a, there," said Mario.

"Welcome," said Link.

"Nice to meet you all," said Samus.

"Hey-a, there," said Dr Mario.

(Okay, I need to make this clear straight off – Mario and Doctor Mario are different people! IT'S SOOO OBVIOUS IN THE GAME! Clearly, they have different stories and stuff. All you _noobs_ who think that Dr Mario is the same thing as Mario is a _noob_. Just like Zero Suit Samus and Samus are so obviously different people! Otherwise, like, why would there be a character?  
_Duh._)

"Hi, there," said Zero Suit Samus.

Samus stared at Zero Suit Samus for a long, hard, moment, and then said, "WTF?"

"I'm Zero Suit Samus," said Zero Suit Samus.

"But… but…" said Samus.

"Nice-a to meet you," said Mario and Dr Mario at the same time.

"But… but…" said Samus.

"Hi, there," said Kirby, waddling up. "I'm here to keep a running commentary on people's relationships, and stuff. Just ignore me."

"You… you…" said Samus.

"I'll-a show you to your room-a," said Mario to Zero Suit Samus.

* * *

_At Zero Suit Samus' room…_

"How did you know where my room is?" said Zero Suit Samus.

Mario tried to think of an answer, but couldn't, so he ran away.

"Huh," said Zero Suit Samus.

Silence.

Mario ran back, bearing flowers.

"Wow," said Zero Suit Samus. "Thanks, Mario, that's really sweet of you."

"Aw-a," said Mario, blushing, "it is-a nothing."

Kirby, who was hiding behind the door, whispered, "Well, it looks as if some sparks of romantic interest are building between Mario and Zero Suit Samus! We'll have to watch closely to see this romance build up over the story!"

* * *

Samus was still standing just inside the front door of the Smash Mansion, looking completely shocked.

"I'm so confused," she said.

"She looks just like you," said Dr Mario.

"How did you know what I look like without my helmet?" said Samus.

Dr Mario tried to think of an answer, but couldn't, so he ran away.

"Huh," said Samus.

Silence.

"Wow," said Samus. "Dr Mario… that's really sweet of you. Thanks."

"Oh-a," said Dr Mario, blushing, "it was nothing."

Kirby said, "Ooh, it looks as if Samus and Dr Mario have also simultaneously developed a romance. That's because they're all _so different_. Yep, Dr Mario and Mario are definitely _different people._"

Samus and Dr Mario looked at him weirdly.

"Uh, gotta go," said Kirby, running away.

* * *

That night, Master Hand hosted a feast in order to celebrate the arrivals of the new Smashers.

"Congratulations to all the new Smash Brothers!" he said.

"That's it?" said Link. "I thought there'd be more…"

"That's all there is in the trailer!" said Master Hand, "and thus it must be completely accurate and all-encompassing!"

Pit flew in through the window.

"Wow!" said Zelda. "An angel!"

"Yes, ma'am," said Pit courteously. "You look like a kind, gentle lady."

"And you look like a dashing angel," said Zelda.

"Wow!" said Popo. "An angel!"

* * *

Insert ZeldaXPit fic here.

* * *

Sadly, Pit died. Zelda was heartbroken and killed herself in a very angst-y way.

* * *

_One month later…_

"Well, it looks as if nothing's happened between the Marios or the Samuses since last month," commented Kirby to himself, as he sat in the garden. "I guess nothing will ever happen between them. What a waste of a story."

"Hey-a, there," said Mario, walking up to Kirby. "Have-a you seen-a Zero Suit Samus?"

"No," said Kirby. "Why?"

"Well-a," said Mario, "I do believe I am in love with her!"

"Aw, how sweet," said Kirby. "It looks like I was wrong."

"Wrong about what?" said Mario.

"Uh… stuff," said Kirby.

"Hey-a, there," said Dr Mario, coming into view. "How-a are you two?"

"We are-a good," said Mario.

"Yep," said Kirby.

"I am-a looking for Samus," said Dr Mario.

"Oh," said Kirby. "I'm afraid I haven't seen her, either."

"A pity," said Dr Mario.

"Yes, a pity," echoed Mario.

"It's amazing how different you two are," said Kirby.

"Oh, really?" said Mario and Dr Mario together.

"Yeah," said Kirby, rubbing his chin in thought. "You look so alike, yet you both have completely different personalities."

"That is quite-a true," said Mario and Dr Mario at the same time. "We do things very differently."

"It's so easy to tell you apart, even without the costumes," said Kirby, "because you are so very different people."

"Interesting insight you have-a there, Kirby," said Mario and Dr Mario simultaneously. "But we-a must be going."

"Oh," said Kirby, looking slightly glum. "Well, ciao, then."

"What kind of person says-a 'ciao'?" wondered Mario and Dr Mario coincidently, as they both walked off.

Zero Suit Samus and Samus walked up. "Hey, there Kirby," they both said in unison.

"I'm not going through that conversation again!" said Kirby angrily, walking off in a sulk.

Samus and Zero Suit Samus glanced at each other and shrugged identically.

* * *

Later that night, as Mario was settling in to sleep, Zero Suit Samus carefully knocked on his door and entered his room.

"Hello-a, there," said Mario, who was most surprised.

"How are you?" she said.

"Okay-a," said Mario.

"I have feelings for you," said Zero Suit Samus.

"Oh," said Mario. "What a coincidence. I do too."

"You have feelings for you, too?" said Zero Suit Samus, puzzled.

"No, I meant that I have feelings for you, too," said Mario, blushing at his error.

Zero Suit Samus was still confused. "But I don't have feelings for me."

There was an awkward silence.z

Mario explained: "Well, you see, I suppose that what I was trying to say is that whereas you have feelings for me, I harbour feelings for _you_, and that these feelings are… symmetrical, that is the word-a. And thus these symmetrical feelings are quite coincidental and thus we may begin to become romantically involved with each other, provided that I have no feelings for myself unlike you, and that, unlike me, the feelings you have are for me, not you."

There was an awkward silence.

"Iggle jig piggly juff!" (_Jigglypuff loves you all!_) said Jigglypuff.

"What are you doing in here?" said Zero Suit Samus.

Jigglypuff ran out, looking lovestruck.

* * *

Here's a mental exercise: read the above passage again, but replace "Mario" with "Dr Mario" whenever you see it, and get rid of all the "Zero Suit"s.

There, I didn't have to type anything, and it's just as good.

* * *

They all lived happily ever after, for a while.

* * *

_Two months later…_

So now Mario and Zero Suit Samus were in love, and so were Samus and Dr Mario.

But then bad stuff happened.

To begin with, Zero Suit Samus became curious and started sneaking out with Dr Mario just to compare the Dr and the original. And even as Dr Mario was cheating on Samus with Zero Suit Samus, Samus and Mario were both cheating on each other despite never having been an item, presumably because of the zany antics of Young Link, which aren't very important to this story. Then, Samus became angry with Dr Mario for being so cruel, and she started making an open affair of her relationship with Mario. Mario eventually dumped her after he realised that Samus and Zero Suit Samus were almost exactly the same. The Mario decided to cheat on Samus _and_ Zero Suit Samus with Dr Mario, turning the story into the weirdest yaoi fic _ever_. Zero Suit Samus and Samus decided to exact their revenge by doing similar stuff, and Kirby died of a stroke trying to narrate.

* * *

**END STORY**

If you have any suggestions for future doomed romances, drop by hoogi,brickfilms,com/forum (full stops instead of commas), and leave some suggestions.  
Insert the inveitable "READ AND REVIEW!".


End file.
